I have never been the type of person who shows my emotion easily. I always managed to hide them even when I really wanted to show it. I never wanted anyone to see me cry, heck, I don't even like it when they ask me If I'm Okay or not. By emotions I mean to cry,like really really cry,pouring all your feelings out.
"There's something seriously wrong with you," that's what a close friend of mine told me.
I really feel bad about what I heard from my friend, but that bad feeling soon drifted away when I started telling myself that I am a strong person and that I'll never show my emotions to anyone.
I did succeed in hiding my emotions from the view of people. But things started getting worst when I can't seem to feel pain inside of me.
It's like all that feelings that I've buried inside for so long are finally eating me alive.
I can't cry, I can't sleep, I can't think do anything for myself.
The feeling of not feeling any emotional pain literally eats me alive.
The feeling of numbness scares me.
I started staying up late at night, trying to figure out what exactly went wrong with me?
I mean, It's not a bad thing to hide emotions but If you keep It inside of you for too long, you don't know when you'll burst out and that's the last thing you wanted.
I can't even shed a single tear when someone close to me passed away.
I feel like If I cry and people sees me, they might find my weakness and all my insecurities.
I really don't want people to see me in the state where I look vulnerable to them.
I don't want to be the type of person who someone sees as a weak person.
I write poems and short stories,even fan fictions.
They keep me busy and entertain me.
But I started facing problems when I can't convey what I really wanted to tell to the readers. I can't pull out that emotional zone that needs to express one's opinion.
If I cannot feel emotions,how am I suppose to write something realistic?
I couldn't cry, not because I don't want to. It just won't come out even if I wanted it to come.
It's like something pulls my throat inside every time I wanted to cry.
Sure, I can fake a tear but I can't even recall the last time I cried with feelings attached.
Someone told me that," If a person cannot cry, he/she must've been hurt so much that crying doesn't make sense anymore."
I wonder If that's the case with me or not?
I have been hurt, maybe quite a few times.
But never in my mind have I thought for once that It was because I've been hurt too much.
I wanted to know how to cry and share people what I feel and what I wanted to tell. But I can't seem to do it.
I wonder if there's a world where emotions are eradicated? I've seen a movie about it and the thought came into my mind.
What if all humans cannot feel emotions?
Would it change the view of certain people who thinks that I'm a hard headed girl and I'm just trying to show the world that I'm capable of doing whatever I wanted?
Would It make a difference? I wonder.
P.S: All pictures are not mine,credit goes to the rightful owner.
