My Point Of View!!!

I cannot even describe what I've been feeling lately. It's a feeling between nostalgia and reminiscence.
Lately I've started writing in this blog to just share what's on my mind and I don't know when it started looking like my own personal Dairy.

I was never a person who share and open up to people. I just hate it when people started interfering into my own personal space, digging my old past. I never ask of that.

    I've been thinking and I found that I'm weird.

Why? I don't know. I just like being silent and just go with the flow. I was never a person who talks much. So, there's no point of making me trying to make me talk unnecessary things because in the end there will be time I snap at you and TRUST ME you wouldn't like it.

I'm weird in a way that I can be so sweet to you if you are good to me but if something goes wrong between me and you once,I can be the most evil person you've never encountered in your life.

I like humans,I like people who are mysterious but not every people.People are weird,I guess.

They found it hard to believe that somewhere in the world there are some people who just hates being exposed.
What's the use of trying to make a person to open up If the person doesn't accept it?
You just can't force someone to take a role in it if s/he refuses to do so.

I love observing things,even though they wouldn't cause any difference in my life.
Can people like being alone, but hate the feeling of being lonely? 

 Someone told me that alone doesn't mean lonely.

 I figured. But it’s strange how loneliness exists. Especially for people like me.

I was never a good person who keep lots of friends.I was afraid that I'd grow too attached to them that I might not be able to leave.I keep telling myself that It's okay.But not anymore.

I try so hard to push people out, and yet I feel lonely for doing it. Something about it feels uneven. Like, I know I don’t want to be with others, but why does it feel so sad? Like, I'm being left out, even though I did the leaving. I didn't want to contact my old friends just because I'd miss them?And I don't want to miss people. It make me feel weak. It’s unfair how we were constructed like this. 

I hate tears.
It make me feel weak.
I hate it when my eyes gets teary.
I hate it when there is a lump in my throat trying to explode.
I hate it when the tears would stream down my face.
I can't stand the feeling of not being able to control the situation.
I hate to cry.
Yet, I don't even know if I can stop my tears or not.
But now I know for some reason people would CRY. And we can't control it.
It's something natural.

“Don't be ashamed to weep; 'tis right to grieve. Tears are only water, and flowers, trees, and fruit cannot grow without water. But there must be sunlight also. A wounded heart will heal in time, and when it does, the memory and love of our lost ones is sealed inside to comfort us.” 
― Brian Jacques, Taggerung





(Pictures in this blog are not mine. Credit goes to the owner.)

Dreams? Is it something I wanted?

When I was a child, whenever I tried falling asleep inside the classroom I would hesitate a lot. Not because I didn't want to sleep during the daytime, But because I knew that those nightmares would probably hunt me down during the daytime too.

I was never a child with lots of friends. You may wonder why? 
I just don't like people knowing me.
I don't like it when people started asking me questions about myself.
I hated it when people would start digging my personal issues.
I don't want people to pay attention to me.
I like it when they just act as if I'm just a piece of dust.
I don't like getting attention.
I just wanted to be a visible person without anyone asking or digging into my personal space.
I don't want people to act as if they're trying to be my best friend.
I don't like saying "HELLO".WHY?
Because Hello always ends with Goodbye.And I'm not sure whether I'll be ready to say Goodbye, ever.


I never had a good night sleep because there's something bothering me. Like a nightmare,but I can't quite specify it.I have no idea what it was but I don't like it at all.
At first I thought that it was because I read a lot of books and may be they're showing in my dreams.
But lately it's not just the themes in the book that shows,it's everything I saw in the daytime that has come to live in my dreams.
I'd see some of my friends getting shot or some getting chased by Dragons.
Some would become a Vampire and some,Werewolf.
Some even turns into an Angel and some into a serial Killer.

 

 

 

Sometimes I would wake up tired,sweating and a lot of fear building inside me. My chest would hurt and I'd feel like crying. But I can't cry. Something's pulling me inside, telling me not to cry.
Then it hit me, I hate crying.
It made me weak.
It make me feel useless.
It makes me look like a fool.
I hate it when my tears started forming inside my eyes.
I hate it when I have to wipe those tears streaming down my cheeks.
I just don't want to cry.

When I was a child I don't like sleeping during the daytime but now I'm quite comfortable.
WHY? Simple.
Even if I woke up having a nightmare or should we call it a bad dream,I know for sure that my friends or some people would be around. To make me feel relieve. And now I'm not scared to sleep anymore during the daytime. Sleeping during the daytime has become my spouse. And It make me feel good.


Whereas, I'm still afraid to sleep during the nighttime. I don't know what each night would bring.
I'm scared of what will appear in my dreams. Will it make me sad? Will it hurt me? Will it be a pleasant dream?

I just wanted to sleep peacefully for once and I just don't know how to overcome this nightmare.

For some people Dreams are awesome. But for me it's a headache.
I don't like having DREAMS.It make me feel insecure and helpless.


I wonder when Sleeping and Me will ever be in good terms?