To The Person I valued More Than Myself

If you ask me why I choose you?
I'd simply say," Because I Love you."
If you ask me why I still chase you after all these years?
I'd simply reply you with a soft smile and say,"I'm waiting for the right time."


To be honest, I don't even know why I am so crazily obsessed with you. I used to ask myself why am I like this?
And then I answered myself.
"Because I want you, with all my body and soul. I want you to be Mine. I want you to be my first and last. I don't care if I'm not your first, at least I hope to be your last. I don't want anything else if I got you. I want to grow old with you. I just want you."
Simple as that.


I might be too greedy to want you all to myself. But I don't think I am.
I want to have a teenage Love Story and do all the crazy thing I wanted to do with you.


But there's always one thing that's stopping me from being close to you.


Whenever I tried making an effort the fear of 'falling in love too early' haunts me.
I'm scared that we might 'fall in love too early' and 'fall out of love' easily. I know I'm stupid for thinking this way. But having avidity to have you all to me makes me scared.
It scares me to the point where I don't even want to ever deal with the pain of getting a heartbreak from anyone else.

I can take it if you break my heart or hurt me in any way that you can.
Maybe then, I might be able to give up hope on you.
I can never imagine myself getting hurt over someone else who is not you.


I want you but I'm scared to show you.


What if 'we' turns out to be something that I'd never imagine?
What if the 'us' that I've pictured doesn't turn out the way I wanted.
What if the 'life' I wanted to have with you turns out to be a predicament?
What if 'we fall out of love'?
What if 'we never made it to the phase of getting married'?
I've only wanted to do anything only with you and If it's not you, I don't think I can do anything.



I can never picture myself with anyone else.
I just can't.
There must be something about you that get's imprinted in me.
I can only give space to you and wait just until I think is the right time.
But when will the right time come?
I have no clue myself.
Maybe the 'we' I imagined might never happen.



But remember, I will always Love you, don't you dare forget that.

Would It Make A Difference?

I have never been the type of person who shows my emotion easily. I always managed to hide them even when I really wanted to show it. I never wanted anyone to see me cry, heck, I don't even like it when they ask me If I'm Okay or not. By emotions I mean to cry,like really really cry,pouring all your feelings out.



"There's something seriously wrong with you," that's what a close friend of mine told me.
I really feel bad about what I heard from my friend, but that bad feeling soon drifted away when I started telling myself that I am a strong person and that I'll never show my emotions to anyone.

 I did succeed in hiding my emotions from the view of people. But things started getting worst when I can't seem to feel pain inside of me.

 It's like all that feelings that I've buried inside for so long are finally eating me alive. 

I can't cry, I can't sleep, I can't think do anything for myself. 

The feeling of not feeling any emotional pain literally eats me alive. 

 The feeling of numbness scares me.

I started staying up late at night, trying to figure out what exactly went wrong with me? 

I mean, It's not a bad thing to hide emotions but If you keep It inside of you for too long, you don't know when you'll burst out and that's the last thing you wanted.

I can't even shed a single tear when someone close to me passed away. 
I feel like If I cry and people sees me, they might find my weakness and all my insecurities.
I really don't want people to see me in the state where I look vulnerable to them. 
I don't want to be the type of person who someone sees as a weak person.

I write poems and short stories,even fan fictions. 

They keep me busy and entertain me. 

But I started facing problems when I can't convey what I really wanted to tell to the readers. I can't pull out that emotional zone that needs to express one's opinion.

If I cannot feel emotions,how am I suppose to write something realistic?

I couldn't cry, not because I don't want to. It just won't come out even if I wanted it to come.
It's like something pulls my throat inside every time I wanted to cry.
Sure, I can fake a tear but I can't even recall the last time I cried with feelings attached.

Someone told me that," If a person cannot cry, he/she must've been hurt so much that crying doesn't make sense anymore."

I wonder If that's the case with me or not?
I have been hurt, maybe quite a few times. 
But never in my mind have I thought for once that It was because I've been hurt too much.


I wanted to know how to cry and share people what I feel and what I wanted to tell. But I can't seem to do it.


I wonder if there's a world where emotions are eradicated? I've seen a movie about it and the thought came into my mind.

 What if all humans cannot feel emotions? 

Would it change the view of certain people who thinks that I'm a hard headed girl and I'm just trying to show the world that I'm capable of doing whatever I wanted? 

Would It make a difference? I wonder.

P.S: All pictures are not mine,credit goes to the rightful owner.

Writing and Reading!!!

Ever since I was little,the only thing that attracts me the most was the fact that every single writer,be it a health magazine writer or a novel writer,they all managed to attract a persons attention through their beautiful works and woo the people with their talents.

Never once have I thought that I actually would want to become a writer during my childhood days.

Now here I am struggling to write something meaningful and realistic and on the learning platform of becoming a writer. 

I don't know what kind of writer I wanted to become but along the lines I might be able to figure out what kind of writer I wanted to become someday.

Who would've thought that a person like me would even want to become a writer?I would probably heard some negative comments even before spilling out the fact that I wanted to become a writer.

Of course anyone can be a part-time writer but I wanted to become a full-time writer.Writing has a very special meaning to me,I will tell you about it someday.

According to PAPER FURY's test of 'What kind of Writer are you?' I am somewhat 'THE TURTLE ' writer.These kind of writers are actually the type who takes a long time to publish whatever they have in store.They have to fully scrutinized their own work even before they let others read it.They want quality writing and not quantity writing.I wonder If I really am or not.

I mean,whatever I wrote in my fan-fictions and short stories are probably the ones that came into my mind when I start landing my hands on the keyboard.I cannot make a plot beforehand and develop it.I write whatever comes into my mind and tried thinking of how to continue it.

It would sound funny for some,but I actually did want to try this.I wanted to become a Ghost writer for someone's biography but somehow that seems too dull-witted.

Then there's this article writers,screen writers,grant writers,business writers,and so many much more which doesn't even fit well with my ability.

Some people probably thinks that being a writer is a person's way of expressing one's own frustration and anger or even the expression of one's love and affection towards something dear to them.

There are so many things that can make a person categorize what type of writing is attached to the writer's style when it comes to analyzing someone's writing.I,however do not know how to even classify or categorize those,but I hope I'll be able to differentiate these things when the time comes.

For a person like me who just reads and doesn't even socialize much,I would prefer to read something exciting and adventurous.

My all time favorite would always be Alice In Wonderland no matter how old I get.

Why?

It's simple,she did exactly what I was afraid to do.

Run away from the eyes of those watching hawks.

By hawks I probably mean people in the society.

And then there's this Peter Pan which always pulls me out of stress and misery.

I love how Peter didn't want to grow up and there's Wendy who also didn't want to grow up until she realizes that she somehow has to grow up and there's no such thing as staying Young Forever.

Of course,your mind and perspective can be Young Forever but if you are a normal human being,It really wouldn't lead you to nowhere.You have to face reality.

 The best thing about being a writer is,"You either chose to write it the way people want you to write or the way you wanted." there's no such thing as getting a bash from people.

You are your own master and you can do whatever you like.You can choose to make people cry and sad,feel nostalgic and guilty,there's no other person that can turn a person's emotions around in three seconds flat than a writer can.I mean,that's the best part of it,Isn't it?

Some people thinks that being a writer is one hell of a work and it's stressing.But in my perspective,being a writer can actually be fun if you really did love to write and pour down what you feel into paper.

For me writing has become a part of me.

If I feel sad,I write.

If I feel angry,I write.

If I feel happy,I write.

If I feel guilty,I write.

I write whenever I feel something inside but can't tell or share it to people.Trust me,It helps a lot.

Keeping a personal dairy also helps a lot in relieving stress.

Being a writer doesn't really mean that you can abandon reading.Of course writers reads way more than a normal people does.They read their own stories at least ten time before letting people to read it.Being a writer also means that you automatically becoming a reader for yourself and also a reader for the other writers.

There's a good thing about reading a book.

You can read and read until your eyes are tired.

You can read a whole book if you wanted to,no one's stopping you from doing so.

You can choose to let the book hurt you by feeling the emotions that it offered or you can choose to ignore to feel those emotions.

You can even bury yourself in the world of the book and let the book makes you feel sad,nostalgic,guilty,happy or even cry.

Books offered amazing things which we cannot even explain.

Books are also my way of escaping the world in front of me.
No one can escape from this world,but books helps me to escape reality for a short time.At least they make me feel safe for a short while.

I haven't figure out what kind of writer I wanted to become but I wanted to write novels and poetry.

I wanted to make people cry or smile through my books.

I hope that someday I'll be able to achieve these imbecile dreams of mine.

Happy 19th Birthday Naom!!!

Note:This is dedicated to a special friend of Mine.

Some people come into our lives and barely leave a trace, others leave a string of footprints etched upon our hearts, letting us know they are with us every step we take.

You're getting older day-by-day and after this year, you'll say goodbye to the life of a Teen. Enjoy your teenage years while you still can to the fullest. We don't know what might happen tomorrow.
Teenage years will never come back even if you plead, make the most memorable time while you still can.We all can never be young forever but we all wished that we'll be Young Forever.We all wanted to live in Neverland but we can't and this is Reality. 



To one of the most Important person in My Life.

There are times when you really pisses me off.Like when you whine about not knowing what to do,seriously? Who whines when you've got nothing to do.Normal people would just relax,chill.There's also a time when you whine a lot when the weather's very Hot.Also your endless talk about your love life along with that dramatic,"I'm a Crumpled up piece of paper lying here.",Wait! was it all because you remembered it all too well? LOL

I've only known you for only about three years and I think you're the only person that I really trust and talk about literally just everything for the past three years that I've known you.

 You’re one of the only people I feel like I can trust and be comfortable and be myself around without worrying about being dumb or annoying.

You taught me many things actually,during the past three years I've known you.

You taught me how to treasure friends and family.

You taught me how to feel emotions.

I never really feel anything for anyone or cry with someone when they're sad or Smile with them when they're Happy. 

You told me that It's okay to feel emotional and cry when the time comes and to show my emotions. 

Maybe I've obeyed too much of your writings that I've become a crying mess after staying apart from you. Trust me,I cried almost everyday nowadays.

You taught me how to Smile and control my anger with all those irritating stuff you did to me.

And no matter how much distance is between us, no matter how many days, weeks and months we haven’t spoken to each other, we ALWAYS pick up where we left.

I hope you have a great birthday and I hope you like this, thank you for being my friend.

P.S: I hope that one day I'll be the one irritating you.
I stole your pics,too.

Youth!!

I personally don't like People.I don’t trust them.

I think there’s something seriously wrong with anyone who isn’t at least a little let down by the world. People tell you lies.

They judge You.

They criticize You and try to make you fit into a society where they have their own Orthodox mind.

Talking bad about other people won't make You more better than them. 

Asking a person How s/he feels after you insult them is like trying to look like an Angel when you're the Devil.

Nothing Lasts forever.

One day,The People you trust the most will Betray You and the people 

you love the most will leave You.

Enjoy your Youth Days.

You never know when One Day you'll wake up and realize that all the cherishable moments in your life vanished just within a blink of an eye.

YOUTH IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MOMENT IN LIFE.

You're growing older day-by-day and you'll never be younger than you are right now.

Start capturing pictures of Your most beautiful moment.

Go on a Trip with your friends and feel the beauty of Nature and Life.

Make a Bucket list of things you'd like to do.

Youth is Yours.(Troye Sivan)

"We're speeding through red lights into paradise

'Cause we've no time for getting old

Mortal bodies, timeless souls

Cross your fingers, here we go."

You better start enjoying Your most 

beautiful Moment in Life,because one day, 

you might wake up and realize you were 

busy trying to find a life 

while others enjoy 

their moments.

P.S: Don't give a S**t to what people said.Time passes and they'll get over It.

Don't give a F**k to what they told you.Do you think they really care about you when all they do is back stabbing you?

Love Yourself.

Do whatever makes You happy.

You Deserve to be happy 

and 

don't let

anyone

let 

you 

feel so Low.

Never Mind Them.

We are still young and immature, don’t even 

worry about it

Moss surely grows on a stone that doesn’t roll

If you can’t return, go straight through your mistakes and 

forget them all

NEVER MIND it’s not easy but engrave it onto your chest

If you feel like you’re going to crash then accelerate 

more

No matter how thorny the road is, run

There are lots of things in the world

 that you can’t help

You better

NEVER MIND 

Credit goes to BTS and Troye

Alice in Wonderland???

I’ve been obsessed with Alice in Wonderland for quite sometime now.
I don’t know what exactly is so interesting in it. Whenever I saw the movie of Alice in Wonderland or read the story,It gives me a blissful feeling that I can’t define.

I’ve just recently bought,”The Complete By Lewis Carroll and Foreword my Philip Pullman.”

I just wanted to quote out some words and some Interesting topics from Alice in Wonderland chapter seven.
Of all the scenes in The Movie of Alice in Wonderland and the Book, my Favorite part was and will always be the Mad Tea Party.

According to the book, The Mad Tea-Party is noted down in Chapter seven,Page 95.
This scene explains pretty much of everything I’m so curious about.
When I was young,I used to feel that people cornered up themselves in order to be unique and in order to be respected. They make themselves popular and stopped other people from entering their lives. Some thought they are successful in their career and life. Of course, they are.
But by the time they figured out what they missed they’re too late.
Here:
“No room!No room!” they cried out when they saw Alice coming.

According to my point of view,the Mad Hatter,The March Hare and Dormouse didn’t want Alice to tag along with them, They feel that she might cause some problems and become a nuisance.

“There’s plenty of rooms!”said Alice indignantly,and she sat down in the large arm-chair at one end of the table.

In this quote, Alice wanted to be friends with the people she found in Wonderland just like we wanted to cope with the people around us. The people she saw didn’t wanted her company since they thought that they’re content with who they are just like the way we feel when people tried to enter in our lives.

This scene in my point of view describes what I wanted to personally tell to everyone.

“In this world,there is no one who is perfect or content with what we have.We have our own needs,troubles and problems.Sometimes, some people came into our lives to help us but we didn’t notice that and shut them out from our lives.I believe we all have burdens in our lives but we can at least overcome these problems.I’m not positive that It’ll all go away but I’m sure someone,somewhere will want to solve or at least listen to you.”

My Point Of View!!!

I cannot even describe what I've been feeling lately. It's a feeling between nostalgia and reminiscence.
Lately I've started writing in this blog to just share what's on my mind and I don't know when it started looking like my own personal Dairy.

I was never a person who share and open up to people. I just hate it when people started interfering into my own personal space, digging my old past. I never ask of that.

    I've been thinking and I found that I'm weird.

Why? I don't know. I just like being silent and just go with the flow. I was never a person who talks much. So, there's no point of making me trying to make me talk unnecessary things because in the end there will be time I snap at you and TRUST ME you wouldn't like it.

I'm weird in a way that I can be so sweet to you if you are good to me but if something goes wrong between me and you once,I can be the most evil person you've never encountered in your life.

I like humans,I like people who are mysterious but not every people.People are weird,I guess.

They found it hard to believe that somewhere in the world there are some people who just hates being exposed.
What's the use of trying to make a person to open up If the person doesn't accept it?
You just can't force someone to take a role in it if s/he refuses to do so.

I love observing things,even though they wouldn't cause any difference in my life.
Can people like being alone, but hate the feeling of being lonely? 

 Someone told me that alone doesn't mean lonely.

 I figured. But it’s strange how loneliness exists. Especially for people like me.

I was never a good person who keep lots of friends.I was afraid that I'd grow too attached to them that I might not be able to leave.I keep telling myself that It's okay.But not anymore.

I try so hard to push people out, and yet I feel lonely for doing it. Something about it feels uneven. Like, I know I don’t want to be with others, but why does it feel so sad? Like, I'm being left out, even though I did the leaving. I didn't want to contact my old friends just because I'd miss them?And I don't want to miss people. It make me feel weak. It’s unfair how we were constructed like this. 

I hate tears.
It make me feel weak.
I hate it when my eyes gets teary.
I hate it when there is a lump in my throat trying to explode.
I hate it when the tears would stream down my face.
I can't stand the feeling of not being able to control the situation.
I hate to cry.
Yet, I don't even know if I can stop my tears or not.
But now I know for some reason people would CRY. And we can't control it.
It's something natural.

“Don't be ashamed to weep; 'tis right to grieve. Tears are only water, and flowers, trees, and fruit cannot grow without water. But there must be sunlight also. A wounded heart will heal in time, and when it does, the memory and love of our lost ones is sealed inside to comfort us.” 
― Brian Jacques, Taggerung





(Pictures in this blog are not mine. Credit goes to the owner.)